Where I've Been | Honestly, I've Not Been Too Good



Bare with me as getting something so messy from inside to outside your head, cohesively into a string of words, is kind of difficult and I don't know where to start.


Hello lovely person reading this post. Whether you're a long time follower of my personal slice of life on the internet or just bobbing by I just want to share out there what's been going on with me. Both because it feels good to share these things with my blog readers and friends and because I really value honesty, and talking openly about our wellbeing.

So recently you may have noticed I haven't been churning out the blog posts. I've been both uninspired and detesting and scruntinising both my Instagram feed and blog feed. That lack of motivation however hasn't come from a lull for my passions. I've been feeling really low. I have been for quite some time now, and it's longer than months. This latter half of the year, it's really reached some ironic peak of an all time low. It's left me both feeling very lost and simmering-ly anxious. Before taking a path in life a few years ago I was already aware that this bout of deep and dark depression was most likely going to occur however I took the risk because I never ever did and never ever want to give up on my dreams. But at its lowest point it has been, I can finally say it with honesty, I have now completely and utterly lost me. There's no real sparkle to Ellie anymore, there's no Ellie behind the Ellie and I really don't know when I will ever really get my sparkle back.

A few things correlate to this stressful time that I've needed to conquer and they haven't come without the pressure. This constant pressure I've tried to resiliently manage however has left me with the lowest confidence I've ever had in my life, self-esteem the size of an ant and a large dose of constant, unhealthy, negative self-loathing. Although I'm actually pretty good at challenging my thoughts now rationally and positively (thanks to the very grateful help of much fabulous support with my long lost friend anxiety) the rollercoaster of my low emotions to positive thinking has just become a swift  and sickly up and down ride. I often, what feels like, am reminded of how useless I am at all things in life every day, from being able to wake up at a certain time of morning to performing skills in university. I truly do believe (this sounds odd and this is not a call for sympathy but this really is what I'm in full belief of) that I am stupid, slow, very slow at learning, rubbish, unintelligent and just poor at everything. Words I would never imagine in any essence of another being! Apart from myself however and after so long of being reminded how rubbish I am at absolutely everything in life I really have succumb to the fact that I am truly not good at anything. I have no niche, no thing that's "my thing" that I'm good at, just simply good at nothing. And it's left me feeling on an increasing basis that I'm wasting the oxygen for everyone else to breath. In a sense, I feel like a fraud of a human being.

I'm managing to get by but it's this feeling of being a "fraud of a human" for being good at nothing that is leaving me uninspired,  unaware of the true feelings of happiness and completely and utterly lost.


To counteract these thoughts and times positively however I did have a good Summer at university despite being in for most of the warmer season and, like everyone else, becoming very much burnt out and exhausted. I was truly blessed and grateful to explore and taste lots of areas I still have a spark of passion left for (that hasn't been swallowed up by my companion-like cloud of depression). For that I was truly, truly grateful and had such a good time. My self-loathing thoughts and feelings and non-existent confidence and self-belief however did often give me bouts of anxiousness throughout this time, blessedly though not as much as in previous chapters. Combined with the exhaustion however I was wiped out. Also contributing to my very much sodden inspiration and foggy thoughts of what natural happiness and socialising without overthinking and awkwardness really feels like.

On the topic of socialising that is an area that has become very much battered by this nightmare of a journey. Although unbeknown to me if these are the causes of my personal socialising downfall, I believe my criticality of my communication and relationship curating skills I've been developing for my career and some pretty hard-hitting, painful and lonely situations I've experienced in recent years have led me into a deep habit of overthinking and social awkwardness. I've never been a "club goer", big drinker or popular person. I still like to party but with those who I felt comfortable celebrating with I lost touch with and found myself in  pretty lonely place. Although some friendships rekindled and more truer ones came, with the added requirement for immense hard work and strictness from my GCSEs to university for my career I really missed out on the whole "being young" and "going out" phase. So combining this with my constant over thinking, analysing and social awkwardness I've not only found it incredibly hard to make friends but incredibly hard to be relaxed, natural and easy going in social situations. What makes me anxious and low however is not my capacity of friends; I have a handful of some of the most beautiful and truest friends you could ever be blessed with. Its the natural happiness of just engaging, for enjoyment, in conversations with others without overthinking everything that I miss so desperate. To be able to talk with someone or a group of individuals just mindfully and not be thinking "oh balls what can I say that is relevant and current" or "oh no that was too sad or too weird and now everyone is uncomfortable". And for this, after years and years of its developing presence in my life, despite having the most amazing friends and family I speak to regularly, I feel so utterly detached and lonely because I simply can't hold normal and enjoyable, non-serious conversations with people for fun. I don't know how to go to town and act "cool" or the "right way". I just want to connect with others, my friends, I just want to feel that natural social connection again rather than have been molded into this robot of expertise in holding professional and serious conversations.

Future-wise however things are looking better in general. I'm still having quite low times though (take the other day for example. A practical session in uni, which left me for a tea party with embarrassment and self-confidence in the drain). Looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel, although close now, I still have a few stressful things to conquer. 

So,

- Firstly, my apologies for my absence, utter lack of inspiration and my dire blog and Instagram feed.

- Secondly, with my resilient planning and positive thinking I am feeling a little more sprinkle of sparkle in my blogging juice and am looking to gradually ween myself back to blogging business. Only though with a full heart! Never half-heartedly.

- And thirdly, please if there is anyone out their going through a difficult time too, I'm stretching my hand out to you to say, "you're not alone and I feel how scary this is. If I can be of any help I'll always be here with an ear and a heart. You're doing amazingly and you likely won't believe that but I can assure you, you are. I'm no where near out of this confusing, dark and lonely place at the moment but I still know, that despite that, this won't be forever". <3

If it's of any help to anyone or if it makes anyone feel a little less lonely, let me know if you'd like me to keep you updated on how I'm doing. And feel free to let me know how you are doing too, whether that be in the comments below or a means that feels best comfortable for you in your heart. <3

Enjoy the leaves and all the colours and wishing you a cosy Autumn.


Ellie Xx

Comments

  1. Hey. We have a mutual friend on Twitter (I'm @callow_explorer) which led me here and I thought I'd leave a comment here. I hope that's okay. Thanks for sharing this, it takes a lot to be so candid about things and it was good to read towards the bottom that you can see at least a chink of light.

    You mentioned that you have a good support network and despite what you're going through you're kind enough to reach out to others, which is amazing. The periods of doubt can be quite consuming and something which I've experienced recently. I've realised there's no right way to get through this life and it doesn't matter that I'm not particularly good at anything. I've started to try and connect with strangers (which gets a mixed response - it was a lot easier as a 5 or 6 year old to meet a kid in a toy shop and ask "want to be friends?"). I feel like I'm close to rambling but I guess I just wanted to say thanks and I hope you can find that sparkle that is you!

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    1. You are always more than welcome to leave a comment Kieron and first of all, thank you just so kindly for your honest, genuine and compassionate words. So much easier to make friends at 5 years old; all ending up playing a game of House or conversing together as Disney princesses! You're utterly, utterly welcome. I'm honoured in the humblest and sincerest of ways that my post resonated with yourself but at the same time am saddened to hear anyone else in the world has to feel these awfully low feelings. Hope you find your sparkle very soon too Kieron and thank you really kindly for the kind words.

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    2. Thanks, Ellie. I've learned over the last little while just how common it is for people to feel that way and I've figured out that what works (for me) is to almost embrace that feeling and find a way to try and change it before it gets to much. At the minute it feels like life is in a permenant state of transition with lots of learning along the way.

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    3. Yes I feel something quite similar in terms of it really is the lense you look through and how all things things are gigantic learning curves. I think there’s a balance though and I think when it becomes to negative for such a period of time is does seem to make pretty flipping, hard to budge, negative effects on your mind. However it’s reasuring to hear I’m not the only one but more reassuring to know that soon things will be better. Again, thank you really kindly for the hope Kieron and my blog is always an open door for anyone who wishes to share a thought! Or two! I empathise how important and relieving it is to let those thoughts out.

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    4. Thank you, that's very kind. I will definitely keep coming back to your blog. I've started to follow you on Twitter (there must be a less creepy way of phrasing that! - Our mutual friend can be a character reference!), I hope that's alright. It really is a lovely idea to give someone that platform to let things out.

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    5. Above and beyond welcome Kieron and don’t be silly that is very gratefully received! :’D (I cannot tell you how much my wish for emojis to work on blog comments grows each time I write a flipping comment! (That’s mean’t to be a laughing face there!). Thank you really kindly for that; I have always wanted lovely visitors to my blog to feel welcome and to find comfort, empathy, friendliness and openness so that’s a really gratefully received comment!

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    6. Thanks for the emoji explanation! I'm not an emoji user but figured it was something laughing/ smiling! It does seem a bit odd the platform doesn't support that kind of graphic though.
      You're welcome, it's nice to feel welcome and to have a level of interaction on blog type things.
      I've popped back to see if there's an update on the blog! I can't see it'll matter a big deal but I don't know anything about beauty products or fashion but can appreciate a nice looking vintage outfit or some great eye makeup!
      I hope you're doing alright.

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    7. Haha, you're most welcome Kieron! Oh I'm so happy to hear my blog brings an essence of that welcoming feeling and interaction because that's everything I want it to be! Aww, bless thank you too! My goodness I do love an eye for a good vintage outfit! Yes, no updates really as of yet. Still plodding on but haven't even taken a step toward writing a new post yet with how manic everything has been. Thank you really kindly for your kind words again Kieron; am exceptionally grateful! And equally hoping you are doing more than alright too!

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    8. Oh you don't need to thank me! It's me that should be thanking you for making the place welcome. Ha, well I'm not sure I have a good eye for it exactly but I do like the look! I'm a rather plain dresser. I hope that you're dealing with all the manic things that are going on. I doing fine thanks, trying to keep busy and not be too discouraged when things seem a bit slow! I'm trying to have faith in the long game.
      I wanted to comment on the picture at the top of this post if that's alright. It looks great and reminds me of something that could go on a music album cover.

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    9. Oooo thank you! I'm not sure what kind of album that would be, haha. Glad to hear; take it easy!

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  2. Hey Ellie! I can totally relate to this because I've felt the same for majority of this year and some of my hobbies like blogging, reading books and watching my fave tv shows have taken a step back. But, it's the last month of the year and I'm trying my best to get back into things, work hard at school and improve my mental wellbeing. I hope that 2019 will be a good year for you and everything improves xx

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    1. Hello loveliest Najida. I am so sorry to hear you too have felt this way as I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I told you we'd always be here no matter if you took a break lovely :). Honestly Najida your blogging ability is an inspiration to me and your professionalism and skill inspire me everyday! To have such a carefully crafted and gorgeous blog with regular intriguing uploads at the ripe young age of sixth form years is honestly incredible to me Najida! Equally wishing you all the best in the new year lovely, with hopes of much happier times. <3

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